'He gave that up a long time ago', I sat there telling my best friend again, whilst reassuring myself.
'He promised me and he wouldn't do that to me again', I kept saying these words to make me believe what i was saying was true. Only it wasn't working., i still doubted myself and him.
My boyfriend at the time was, a drug addict, and I never understood why. He never did explain, he just put me and others who loved him through hell then told us he was getting help and had finally given up the disgusting habit. Only it wasn't as easy as that.
His family were in pieces over their son who they loved so much and wanted a bright future for throwing his life away, locking himself in his room, looking withdrawn, pale and lifeless, losing all motivation and enjoyment in life. Seeing the family go through this was awful, only he was oblivious to it all, it was clear for those who are straight to see. They were scared for him, feared for his life, was he going to wither away to nothing? overdose? get beaten up for owing money to these dealers who do not care who they hurt or kill as long as they get their next fix?
I'd spent many days locked in a room with him whilst he went 'cold turkey', his idea as a way for him to prove he loved me, or so he said. He knew he was hurting me and i know that he loved me so he would say or do anything to keep me in his life. He used to tell me i was the only good thing in his life and without me he would want to die and would overdose. So many times i wanted to end this relationship, i wanted fun, i was 16, but i was scared for him. We'd stay there for days, locked in a room whilst he threw up violently, was crippled with agonising stomach pains. it was awful. But they all failed and within a few days he would be back on the drug. Attempts to get him help at first failed, he wasn't ready for the help. It was when I spoke to a councillor i was made aware that it wasn't easy to get off such an addictive drug, and it would not only take time but also many changes would have to be made in his life in order to make it easier for him and guarantee he would stay away from the dealers and the temptation of the drug in the future. But in order for him to start the painful and very hard process of giving up he would have to be ready and want to give it up. Assurance from him and crocodile tears made us all believe he was ready, lives were turned around for him to get the help he needed and we thought he wanted. The treatment started and for a few days it appeared to be going well, I could see him coming back to life before my eyes, they boy i loved, he was looking better, eating better, laughing and joking. Towards the end of the second week of the treatment I noticed he wasn't the same, he'd spend hours in his room and the disgusting smell of the drug was once again lingering in the air. My heart sunk and i knew that after all this time, it was no good for him or myself, me being around. Without me it would either kill him or making stronger and more determined. But if i stayed around any longer then it would end up killing me, i was 16 and now having panic attacks, suffering from depression, I was not eating or sleeping either and had lost friends because of this and large amounts of money.
I was petrified that he would kill himself now i had left him, he went missing for days at first, and I spent a week in bed crying and praying he would be ok. I had lost my best friend, my boyfriend, and i now felt drained, all the time, tears, effort and energy I had put into helping him had physically drained me.
Over the next few months i got my life back, and friends kept me informed of how my ex boyfriend was doing. I moved away that year, i needed to break free, it hurt so badly not being with him. I heard he relapsed twice, he never did have the will power. I just wish i had realised it sooner, if you want something bad enough you will get it, obviously he didn't. I wasted a year helping a guy who didn't want my help after all. I often think of him and wonder whether he has managed to finally kick the habit, he is a lovely boy, the drugs make him someone he's not, it's such a waste of a life. My heart breaks for his family, they are losing their son and there is nothing they can do about it, at all.
Maybe he'll never give up, or maybe he'll never give up trying and he'll be clean one day. I just hope one day soon he'll find the will power he needs and get his life back.
