Fifty on Fifty: Milestone:Sharonna

Sharonna
September 15, 1955
Medical Receptionist
Short Hills, New Jersey

When I was growing up my mother told me that I could be anything when I grew up. I dreamed of being a lawyer, I had the gift of gab or whatever, but my parents split up when I was 11. I had four younger brothers and sisters and my mother worked as a maid in huge houses. So I dropped out of school when I was 15, I was flunking anyway. And I don’t go to the movies or read books so I can’t have a favorite because I fork over every penny to my mom and she gives whatever she can to my sibs, whoever is most needy. My mom really needs the money, she has become blind due to diabetes.

You know what I think? I don’t think I’m no doctor or anything but all my mother could afford was crap food – McDonald’s and White Castle and Burger King. She ate it and that’s all we ate.

I was about 30 when we had the worst Christmas. We had all lost our jobs.

I have this recurring dream, especially this time of year. That we will have that pathetic scary White Castle Christmas. It’s not the ham or the turkey. It’s the poverty. I earn $24,000 a year. I live at home. I don’t have a checking account. I’ve never had a man, a boyfriend, or even a real date. I got pregnant and had an abortion. What a joke!

I have had sex four times in my life – in cheap motels. One time they slashed my tires after my “guy” had sped away. I stayed in the room all night absolutely sobbed. Since then, I have gained about ten or twenty pounds a year so no one wants to have sex with me. The truth is, I can’t blame them.I’m 5 ft. 4 and weigh 240. That’s real sexy, I know. I ain’t no Queen Latifah. More is less. What else can I say? WANT TO HEAR THE FUCKING TRUTH?

I wish I were dead. I know that’s just depression talking, but I hear it loud and clear.

I DON’T BELIEVE I HAVE A FUTURE. I’m going to die young from complications from diabetes.