There I am standing toe to toe with someone, anyone looking eye to eye with them and then it begins. Slowly I feel my brain begin to tingle and I immediately know what is going to happen. I am gradually taken over and held captive like a prisoner. The sensation continues to grow until my brain is consumed by it like a tidal wave. Struggling to withstand the torture while trying to appear that everything is okay, my face flushes and I'm left feeling as though my brain were submerged into a fizzing carbonated drink. Suddenly, the tingle subsides and it is all over for the moment. I've been victimized by yet another attack from the anxiety monster.
Over the past eight years of my life, the above described attacks have declared war on me. The frequency of these attacks seemed to have increased tremendously. Day after day, I go to battle with myself. Most of these battles take place within my workplace because I am forced to deal with the public. I work as a veterinarian technician and I thoroughly enjoy what I do. The only draw back is that I have to communicate with the occasional rude client. Some days I seem to win the battle and then other days I am on the losing end. It's like the dark rain cloud that follows Charlie Brown.
Throughout the course of this eight year period, I have done a lot of self examination. In this process I have noticed that I have a seriously hypersensitive system regarding any possible confrontation and/or people of authority. It is my belief that a few bad experiences with authoritative persons during my childhood, extending through my young adulthood, have somehow triggered emotions of immense fear and humiliation. In my opinion, coupling these experiences with predisposed personality traits has elicited an inappropriate behavioral response in my nervous system. Therefore, over the past eight years this conditioned behavior has grown into a full blown anxiety disorder.
Right about now I'm sure you are wondering if I've ever sought treatment. I have actually been to a few general practitioners and one psychiatrist. Having seen several doctors, I have tried a couple of different SSRIs, but they only worked for a while and then the attack of the anxiety monster returns. I've read several self help books, done much research, and have downloaded a few supposed anxiety elimination programs via the internet; all in hopes of returning to some type of normal life.
Currently, I am seeing a psychotherapist and I'm taking herbal supplements to fight the battle. Some days I seem to do okay and others not so well. I try to stay optimistic by pulling from my spirituality and relying on God. I remind myself daily that all things happen in God's timing and not our own. Remaining hopeful, praying, and looking forward instead of behind is all that I can do. At the point that I am at now, all I have is my faith in knowing that God will take care of me no matter where I may find myself. Staying mindful to reassure myself of these truths daily does keep me somewhat hopeful.
