Social anxiety disorder, that persistent and irrational fear of being ridiculed, scrutinized and/or embarrassed in social settings, can have a tremendous impact on the quality of life and level of functioning of a sufferer. As a person that has been struggling with social anxiety disorder since my late teens, I know full well the deleterious effects that it can have on a person's ability to function and excel in all aspects of life.
I was always a shy, timid kid. I recall feeling an overwhelming sense of inferiority and insignificance in relation to other children growing up. I remember always being told as a kid to “speak up” or “stop being so shy” by my mother or father. Starting school for the first time was traumatic for me. As a kindergartner, as my mother dropped me off for the first day of school and started to leave, I remember coming unglued and crying my eyes out in fright at the prospect of being separated from my mother and being forced to stay in a room surrounded by a bunch of strangers. And, even as I grew up and made my way through elementary school and junior high school, I can recall never feeling very confident or secure with myself.
I was the quiet kid in class. Whereas the extroverted and bold kids were the ones who got all the attention and had the most friends, I was a semi-loner. Sure, I always had friends, but I never was a popular kid, and I never strayed too far from my basic instincts to remain quiet and keep to myself. I was a very fearful kid. Speaking up in class or having to give an oral presentation of some sort always sent a chill down my spine. It didn't help things much that I was an obese kid who had to endure the ridicule and taunts of many classmates over my size. The shyness and fearfulness followed me through high school, where I never played sports, never joined any clubs, and never really overcame my deep-seated inhibitions and fears.
And even though I lost most of my adolescent “baby fat” through rigorous diet and exercise, something that I mistakenly believed would magically transform me into a popular extrovert, my shy nature and social fears persisted. I didn't date. I had no girlfriends. I did just enough to get by and graduate high school, but I wasn't very happy or contented with my life. I remember always aching and longing to be like the other kids - outgoing, popular, and with a rich social life - but I was never able to break free from my social fears and inhibitions. And as I moved into young adulthood, things remained the same.
I tried to go to college and focus on my academics, but the social fears made going to class too difficult. I managed to obtain a two-year degree, which probably took me about six years total to get, and I always wanted to obtain a four-year degree but haven't as of yet. I would always pick my classes very carefully; if I enrolled in a class and found out that I would have to give an oral presentation at some point during the semester, I quickly dropped the class. And, I would often make it a habit of intentionally avoiding the first day of class for fear that the teacher would require every student to go around the room and introduce themselves to the class. My fears and avoidance ran very deep!
And then there was and is the depression. I am of the belief that the social anxiety disorder itself is not the worst part; it's the fact that it so severely restricts your life and level of functioning that it makes you highly susceptible to two very bad and dangerous things: loneliness and depression! Social anxiety disorder is ugly in that it causes you to intensely fear the very thing that is conducive to a happy, rewarding life: social interaction. The more you avoid, the more you hide yourself, and the more you simply become overrun by your fears and anxieties, you would have to be made of stone not to become lonely and severely depressed. Life begins to lose its luster; you feel as if you are all alone in the world and have nothing to look forward to. Things can get very bad!
And when a social anxiety sufferer looks around at his/her peer group and sees so many people interacting and dating and achieving at work and school, it becomes very disheartening. You feel so far removed from all of the “normal” people that it makes you want to hide yourself even more. And that just compounds the problem. We all as humans crave social interaction and attention; a baby at birth requires physical stimulation or will soon die if that needs is not met. Being cut off from and fearful of the world around you is not a pleasant situation to be in. And I've experienced way too much of this already in my short life - I'm thirty-three.
I've been through countless hours of psychotherapy and have been on various anti-depressant medications in order to treat my social anxiety disorder. And while the psychotherapy and anti-depressants - most notable Zoloft - have helped me a great deal, I still wrestle with my social anxiety and am always trying to “tweak” or “adjust” my normal, deeply-ingrained fear patterns that make social interaction extremely difficult, even at my age.
