It is hard for others to realize what you are going through when you have this debilitating disorder. It is difficult for you to even fathom what caused this disorder, this fear, this phobia/fear that causes you to start avoiding places/things/events where you have previously had a panic attack. Panic attacks can be very scary for the person going through them. In fact, they can be very scary for those around you, and also very debilitating for love ones around you. I have been so fearful during a panic attack, that if someone driving took an expressway turn from a regular road, I would jerk the wheel back, so they would stay on the regular road. A dangerous thing to do. I would be totally overcome with fear, screaming, digging my nails into my legs with fear, until we were off from the highway.
Many family members or friends or others, will say to just get over it, just do it. They just don't understand at all. Heck, even the person going through the problem don't understand it. We know that it sounds ridiculous. Try living with it though. This is a very real disorder.
I can still remember my first panic attack, that was in 1979, after being diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism. My first panic attack was while driving my car on a back road, close to home, that I was used to driving every day. My hands trembled and shook so bad that I couldn't control them. I became tense and scared. My muscles were all clenched. My heart was racing, my breathing was hard in my chest, my chest was pounding so hard that I was afraid that I would have a heart attack. I was clammy and scared. I got out of the car, and went to the hospital. There I found out that I had Hyperthyroidism. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. They kept you longer at that time. Later, as an outpatient, I took the radio-active iodine treatment, which caused me to go from Hyperthyroidism (Graves Disease) to Hypothyroidism. I was no longer driving a car after that. The panic attack in the car when I was driving was soooo scary for me that I quit driving for about 4 years.
My next panic attack was at the library, near home in a small town. It was quiet there, not many people inside. I was used to libraries, and normally comfortable in one. I enjoy books. At that time, libraries didn't have computers for public use. Anyway, out of the blue, a panic attack hit me and hard. I ran out of the library, literally scared for my life. Fears were deep inside of me, I was running, and all I could think of was that I was so scared that I was afraid that I was going to run out into the road and be run over. My friend, later my husband, came to me, and together we called my doctor, an internist. He talked me down from this event - this fear, but the panic attacks just started coming more often, day and night, awake and sleeping. I would wake up with panic attacks so bad, out of a deep sleep, that I thought that I must have heart problems, or something else very wrong with me. Let me tell you, a full blown panic attack is very, very scary, and makes your heart beat so hard that it can't be good for you. At that time, I was having panic/anxiety attacks day and night, even
while sleeping. I would awake with one, and not know what was going on.
The doctors and hospitals gave me many tests, EKG's, MRI's, Cat Scans, blood tests, stress tests, etc., and found me well. I went to psychiatrists and psychologists and counselors for many hours, many years, and yet no cure/no fix. I did go to one counselor at a family service agency that did work with me for about 4 months, and with her, I slowly began to drive again, go back into stores again, and go to college. She gave me relaxation tapes to listen to, practiced muscle relaxation, positive thinking, and getting back out there and driving on the little, back roads first. With this, I was able to drive myself to a nearby community college and obtain my Associate degree and two certificates. I was an excellent student and graduated magna cum laude, even with this. Off and on through the years, I could do highways and expressways, but now I can' t do either. I am living here in San Antonio, Texas. I came to see my new grandson (my first grandchild) and daughter, and to help out my daughter, and now I cannot drive back to Ohio. I miss my family in Ohio, and I miss living in Ohio. I am fearful living here, and I don't really have much of a life here, I don't fit in - it is sooo different from Ohio, and I am scared completely scared to drive back home to Ohio. I have a new grandaughter there that I would love to see and hold.
