Good and Bad Anger

The “good” anger:

• Righteous anger motivates us to change and challenge difficult situations, even motivate others to do the same. Martin Luther King was a man who crusaded and inspired other because of this type of anger.
• It gives a break of vulnerable feelings and provides a way to vent tension and frustration. Usually this is done among family members or friends, people we know and where we feel safe.
• The energy and resolve it creates helps you to defend yourself when you've been wronged. This could also be classified as a form of “righteous” anger.
• When an abused wife's anger finally reaches boiling point, it gives her the necessary “boost” to leave the destructive relationship.

The “bad” kind:

• Years of unresolved anger that reaches a boiling point may cause others harm, e.g. a person who finally explodes loses control of himself.
• It gives an illusory feeling of moral superiority, used to justify immoral actions. Terrorism is often justified anger-motivated aggression.
• A person that bullies and coerces people in doing things against their will, is usually struggling with insecurity and fear. He needs the feeling of power it gives him.
• “The end justifies the means” motto of chronic angry people results in shooting rampages, or planting bombs.

Anger's many forms

Not all anger is expressed by shouting or becoming physical.

* Passive-aggressive. These people become quiet, withdraw, deny anger, refuse to communicate, and are purposely uncooperative. (Like the pity-party, or pouting - childish behavior.) * Sarcastic. They insult or put down the other in a “humorous” way, their facial expression or tone of voice conveys criticism and/or contempt. * Cold anger. They withdraw and keep silent, secretly enjoy seeing how people get out of their way to reach them. In doing so they punish the people in an emotional way. * Hostile. These people can't handle stress and become loud, forceful, vocal, and express intrusive opinions about others. * Aggressive. The person explodes verbally, shouts, intimidates emotionally and/or physically. This can include holding, blocking, pushing, hitting, restraining, etc. This is the most dangerous version of anger

Different ways of communicating anger

We communicate through language, enhanced by body language and gestures, certain cultures more than others.

• Aggressive body language says “I count, but you don't”. Aggressive communicators will quickly start an argument to get what they want.
• Passive body language says “I don't count”. This communicates weakness, thus inviting further aggression. Often this is the case with abusive husbands beating their wives. They have started to believe they are really “nothing”, and they deserve the treatment.
• Passive aggressive shows that “I count, you don't, but I won't tell you about it”.
• Assertive says “we both count”. Being an assertive person is the most useful and balanced, because it shows respect for all parties.

Aggressive and assertive - it's the same

Habitually aggressive people confuse assertiveness with aggression. Both communication postures are fierce and persuasive, but the aggressive person tends to go on the offense (attacks and berates) while the assertive person only uses anger and fierceness in defense.

Assertive people stand up for themselves and their rights, without crossing the line of aggression.

“He always picks a fight”

A person that shows his anger, triggers a defensive and angry response.

Hostile, angry people are not pleasant to be around, so they have few friends.

These people often suffer from depression, and are verbally and/or physically abusive towards others. Family members are guarded and less able to relax when they interact, always having to be on their guard for a flare-up.

Angry people are usually cynical too, and don't recognize or utilize support. They don't realize they push away people by their behavior, instead feel they are the “victim”. This is usually a never ending cycle, causing more heartaches.

The first step towards anger “management” is when the person realizes he/she has a problem. But usually that's the biggest
“hurdle”.