If I had a nickel for every time I was disappointed that I was still breathing, I would be rich. Sometimes the gloom that swarms my brain is more than I think I can deal with. There are no reasons for the wearisome blues. There is no tangible cause for sadness. It is just there. And I'm tired of fighting it.
Just let me curl up in a corner and hide from life. Hide from thinking. Hide from feeling. Let me just disappear.
The commercial says that depression hurts everywhere. I suppose it does. But the ache I feel is a dull pain in my brain. It is a thick, gooey mess that weighs heavily on all my thoughts, dreams, and goals. It effectively erases any joys that I know I have. If I think of the joys, the gooey mess turns them into a knife that pierces my soul.
Tears are always a heartbeat away with no explanation for them. Food is something I choke down because I have to put something in my body. Thinking hurts. Decision making is nonexistent. A friend can call and we can laugh and for a moment life is fine. When the call is over, the darkness resumes its dutiful march through my mind.
Today is one of those days. The sun is shining. I've taken my walk. I've swallowed my pills. And still the torment remains. And I continue to breathe.
And I will continue to breathe. I will continue to take one step at a time and function to the best of my weary ability. I will fix meatloaf for dinner. I will do the dishes. I will brush my teeth and take my pills. I will cry a little more and I will continue to breathe.
