Depression is never an easy thing to deal with. For those that are suffering, it can be confusing, soul-destroying and even deadly. For those who are watching a loved one suffer, it can be really terrifying. The inability to control how someone else is feeling, knowing that they may be pushed to the point where they can no longer function, leaves a huge burden on the shoulders of the supporter. I have both suffered from suicidal tendencies and been in the position where people close to me have been suicidal; I hope that I can offer some useful pointers to help supporters build up a mechanism to help their loved ones get through a difficult time.
Some may think that it is obvious when someone is depressed. I think that it depends on the person. People react in two ways: some will talk to all and sundry about their problems in the hope that they will get some relief from somewhere; others hide away feeling that they are not worthy of being listened to. I would argue that the latter type is the most worrying simply because sufferers may seem to be perfectly normal on the outside. However, feelings of worthlessness should never be ignored. Other signs can include drinking, taking drugs, lack of self-confidence, crying all the time, talking about making a life-changing decision or abnormal sleep patterns.
People feel such guilt when a loved one is suffering, particularly if the unmentionable happens, and someone ends their life. Of course, everyone is different. For some, just the knowledge that family or friends are there can be enough to get them through. For others, and I speak from my own personal experience here, depression can make them feel as though nobody loves them and that everyone would be better off if they weren't there. Wanting to be alone and to cut off everyone - and I mean everyone - is a symptom here. For supporters, I believe that they have to be determined that they will get through to the sufferer. This may mean accepting abuse and being made to feel unwanted, but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.
Supporters should be aware of the help and advice that is available in the community. This will obviously differ from country to country, but generally, these days, doctors are very supportive of both sufferers of depression and their carers. Sufferers are not always capable of getting themselves to a doctor. They may feel that they don't deserve to receive treatment; they may be scared of rejection. Try to persuade them to see a doctor. If that doesn't work, supporters should go themselves to discuss possible options. This could involve a home visit by a community nurse, or even, if the case is deemed serious enough, hospitalization.
Hospitalization is, of course, something that most supporters and probably sufferers would rather avoid. However, it is not as bad as it sounds - and again, I am speaking from personal experience. Most hospitals have mental health wards these days, and they usually have individual rooms. Staff are on hand 24/7 to ensure that the sufferer does not harm themselves; initially, this may seem intrusive and frightening, but the peace of mind that it can bring both to the sufferer and the supporter is immense. I saw my time in hospital - about two months - as a chance to escape from my life for a while, which gave me the strength to start making changes to my life.
I was hospitalized voluntarily after a series of suicide bids. I simply went to my local hospital's Accident and Emergency Department with a friend, explained what had been happening, and I was very quickly admitted. However, there is an option to force someone to be hospitalized in most countries. Obviously, the voluntary option is the best for everyone, but if you believe the sufferer really isn't safe to be alone, then forcing the issue, after talking to a doctor, is a good one. This happened to a good friend of mine recently. I had tried to persuade her to go to hospital - unfortunately by email because we live in different countries - but in the end, her ex-husband realized the danger and had her committed. it was the best thing that happened to her. She is now doing really well and is back in the community on stabilizing medication and attending therapy.
The Internet has changed the way that we live our lives in more ways than one. It is an excellent resource for both sufferers and supporters, although, of course, it should never replace a doctor's advice. Most of all, there are many sites that can act as a support network. Whilst feeling suicidal one night, I logged on to a suicide forum. I was able to interact with people who understood what I was going through. I made one very close friend with whom I am still in regular contact. Feeling understood is very important to a sufferer; it can make all the difference between giving up and wanting to cling on. As a supporter, familiarize yourself with these sites. A good one will state clearly on the home page that it exists to support and not to give people ideas of how to end their lives.
Perhaps the most important thing for a supporter to realize is that brushing things under the carpet and trying to pretend that everything is fine is not helpful to anyone. Since I have got over the fear of sharing my feelings with certain people - obviously some will be more sympathetic than others and you will need to judge that - I have been amazed at just how many people out there suffer from depression or know someone who does. Talking to people about your experience raises awareness of depression; little by little, people will become less diffident on the subject and people will be able to judge when help is needed. Just remember that anyone can suffer from depression. Some are more inclined to it than others, but we can all suffer from setbacks in our lives and sometimes we are just not strong enough to cope on our own.
Every case is different and there is no blueprint for coping with depression, either as a sufferer or a supporter. However, I hope that this article will offer hope to some supporters. Depression isn't something that disappears overnight and sometimes it can seem as if there isn't going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but educate yourselves as much as possible on the condition and hopefully something will come of your efforts. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you the best of luck.
