I was taking my dog for his usual morning stroll the other day when we decided to do something unusual: we took a detour through the parking lot of the health food store. All of a sudden, my dog began to growl.
“What is it boy? Is there evil afoot?” He continued to growl, staring off at the horizon or perhaps at a presence beyond human eyesight.
I shrugged it off and tugged my growling dog along. Without warning a suit-clad, bazooka-toting McDonald's executive appeared from behind a lamppost and, before I could let out a ghastly shriek, fired a cheeseburger directly into my mouth.
“Hah! I got another one.” He shouted triumphantly. I glanced down at my expanding waistline and realized what just happened.
“Curse you McDonald's!” I yelled, waving my fist at the executive. “I shall not succumb to your devious corporate schemes. The day I set foot in a McDonald's is the day I die!”
“You may just be correct about that one, but you cannot resist,” he began in a snake-like hiss, “you're addicted.”
Just then my brow began to sweat, my hands began to shake, and I had a tremendous urge for Chicken McNuggets.
I handed my dog's leash to the chuckling executive and ran two blocks to the nearest McDonald's.
“Give me a premium salad and bottled water.” I said to the cashier in an urgent, breathless voice; deciding that eating at McDonald's does not necessarily mean eating unhealthy.
“I don't think so.” The cashier said in a grim voice. He rung up my order and handed me three double cheeseburgers and a large order of French fries. Several employees then proceeded to force feed me, which is when I noticed something questionable in my burger.
“This is my dog's collar!” I shouted, brandishing the blue collar at my captors.
“No it's not, keep eating.” The McDonald's employee slapped me in the face and then poured a large Coke in my mouth. “Now swallow!”
After my meal I called a taxi and paid the driver to take me to the hospital where I then had a Gastric Bypass surgery.
The bill was tremendous, so I sent it to McDonald's in the form of a lawsuit. Only, they used their go-go gadget corporate lawyer (with kung-fu lobbyist grip) to send the bill back to me doubled in size.
The bill wasn't the only thing doubled in size either. After just one mere week of feasting on McDonald's I gained 180 pounds. How unfair, I thought. It's not as if I could have elected to not eat at McDonald's. It's too convenient and inexpensive to resist.
So I appeal to you, dear readers. Stay clear of the corporate machine known as McDonald's. They care not for our health but rather the girth of their pocketbooks. They caused my obesity and all of the resulting health problems and have not taken responsibility for their actions nor have they offered me any monetary compensation for my pain.
And I know someone is shouting “hypocrite” at my desire for cash from McDonald's after just having criticized them for thinking only of money, but is it not justified? After all, they made me obese; it's not as if eating there was completely within my control and a matter of personal choice.
