Practical Tips for the First-Time Caregiver

I was on the phone talking with a friend and I glanced over at my 77-year-old mother who is three years past her initial diagnosis of Alzheimer's. I had just given her a napkin-full of Frito's as a snack before dinner. As my eyes flew open in amazement, I watched her stuff the napkin with the remaining Frito's down her blouse and into her bra! Just another day as care-giver I thought with a big sigh...

1. Keep a calm demeanor under all circumstances. I've learned my mom will mimic my emotions. If I become agitated or anxious over what she is doing, so does she. So no matter what, handle the situation calmly.
2. In this case, I got up, headed into the kitchen and came back with a zipper baggie. "Here, put those Frito's in this baggie so you can bring them over to your place later," I said casually. Out came the napkin with the Frito's in it and into the baggie the whole thing went. I went into the kitchen and threw the whole thing away and placed some fresh Frito's into another baggie for her to take home.
3. NEVER argue with or challenge a person with Alzheimer's. You cannot win! My every other day argument in the beginning involved showering. If my mom did shower, she would forget to wash her hair. So I would tell her, "you need to wash your hair". She would tell me she did, I would tell her she did not and on and on it would go, until I would storm away as angry as all get out. The biggest question I've learned to remove from my litany of questions is "Why did you do that?" She has no idea whatsoever, so why would I keep asking that question? She doesn't know the answer so she gets snippy with me, and then I get snippy back and no good ever comes from that type of exchange.
4. Have a strategy. For example, my mom likes to do the dishes and put them all away whenever she is over at my house, whether it is meal time or not. Since it can become extremely tiresome always looking for where she puts things, I started making sure that my sink drainer was completely empty whenever she came over so that there was nothing for her to put away. So for several times each day, I was able to eliminate that small piece of stress from my life by having that strategy.
5. Keep a routine as best you can. Although my mom lives in an in-law apartment attached to my house, we have dinner together every night. We've been doing that for more than two years and it has worked well up until recently. She has started asking if she is invited to dinner, so I'll need to come up with another strategy to address that issue.
6. Let them talk about their past and reminisce - even if they are making the whole thing up! It does not matter as long as you are keeping them engaged and talking so they do not withdraw completely as Alzheimer's patients tend to do.
7. Do not do everything for them if they are physically able to do things themselves. Allow them to do as much as they can for as long as they can.
8. Take them out with you on shorter trips whenever you can - to the grocery store, the department store, etc. Give them money and let them buy a few things periodically. It keeps involved in real life things.
9. Try to create a network of family and friends to help you when you need help. You will have to be bold and tell people exactly what you need. Then, if they are "unavailable", at least you know you tried.I have found that most people either don't get it or really can't face dealing with Alzheimer's. In either case, I hope your support system is large and flexible.
10. Learn that the only thing that makes any difference to the person with Alzheimer's is the "right now". Yesterday, last night and this morning don't matter. All they know is the "right now." The sooner you learn to accept that, the better off you will be.
11. DO NOT feel guilty when you take time for yourself! One of life's greatest challenges is to become a caregiver to the person who raised, nurtured and taught us everything we know. Understand this, come to terms with it and accept it. Always know that you are doing the best you can.
12. Embrace with joy the little victories - the days (or moments in some cases), where your parent or loved one remembers who you are, who they are or where they are. Those lucid moments will become increasingly scarce as time goes by.
    
13. Keep photo albums nearby at all times and go through them with your parent or loved one whenever you can. Remind them that they are loved and that they are someone special. Photographs can trigger amazing memories sometimes and you can take joy in knowing you caused that to happen. Point out and name family members and friends. You never know what that might trigger.
14. Last, but not least, allow your loved one to maintain a feeling of empowerment and independence for as long as possible. Put yourself in their shoes. They are slowly losing their minds, and along with that, their identity. Our natural maternal or paternal instincts are going to fight us on this one by tryingto take over their lives and their existence, perhaps a little earlier than we should. Allow them to wear clothes that don't match. It won't be long before they cannot dress themselves.  Help them to do simploe tasks, but don't do the task for them. Talk to them as if they still matter in this world, because they do.