The next stage is the worst by far. Typically, though I don't understand why, I get a burst of energy. I am extremely depressed, and usually an intense feeling of self loathing and worthlessness sets in, but I have a ton of energy. That is very bad when I feel that way. I have hurt myself a lot when I have been in this mindset. I can't help myself-it is a physical need. I don't know how else to describe it. I have cut myself on the arms, legs, and back with a utility knife. I have hit myself with several blunt objects, and at one time or another I have burned myself. I have been very close to attempting suicide on more occasions than I would like to admit to. I started exchanging emails with a relief organization online, and that helped me through some of the worst times, but it was still awful. Eventually, when I had hurt myself enough, the energy would fade. I would be bleeding, in pain, and consumed with utter self-loathing, but I would be exhausted. Sometimes I would fall asleep then and there, to wake up covered in dry blood and drenched in shame.
For some time after that, usually less than a week, I am mostly despondent. I am deeply, deeply depressed without the energy or motivation to do anything. I ignore or give very curt responses to my friends, and I go home and sleep or play video games. Eventually, I begin a slow process of recovery that leads back to a couple of days of happiness.
The cycle has been repeating for about a year and a half now. Sometimes it takes a long time, and sometime it is a very rapid procession. The whole thing has happened in a day, but sometimes it takes months.
Depression is an awful thing, and I hate it. I hate what I do to myself because of it, and I feel worthless and horribly ashamed of myself. I don't know if this description will help anyone understand him/her self or a loved one any better, but I sincerely hope that it does. No one should have to deal with this, and from what I have heard from others, what I experience is mild in comparison to what many go through. There is help, and there are others who feel the same. Good luck.
