A Satirical Look at Dieting

On an average, Americans eat the equivalent of 18 acres of pizza a day. That's a lot of pizza and I do eat my share. One slice of pepperoni pizza is approximately 300 calories but I find it hard to stop at just one slice. I usually have three (told you I eat my share) This means to burn those pizza calories off before they have a chance to make themselves at home, I would have to mow the lawn twice, vacuum the house three times, go for a 90 minute walk, and bang my head against the wall for a half hour.

One ounce of chocolate contains 6 mg. of caffeine and 225 calories. Caffeine makes me shake. Does this mean I would have to exercise to prevent the calories from depositing themselves on my hips or will the caffeine induced internal vibrating shake them off? Of course, we all know how heavenly chocolate can be. I don't know about you but, one ounce will only cut it for a couple of minutes. Then I am looking for more so I'm left with the dilemma of either getting the caffeine shakes so bad my eyeballs bounce, run a marathon through the house while pushing a vacuum cleaner, mowing the whole State of Rhode Island and banging my head against the wall until I can't remember my kids names. Hmm! Which will it be?

Are you saying it isn't worth it? That it would be easier to go without than to put myself through the abuse of exercise, pain and exhaustion? I would have said that a week ago too but, two days ago I started a diet for women only. It "s guaranteed to take inches off in just one week while eating 6 meals a day. I started off my diet with egg whites, ground flaxseed and a small orange for breakfast. I thought a smoothie at noon would be a nice treat until I found out it consisted of a half cup of milk, 2 tablespoons of yogurt, some cooked oatmeal and 2 ice cubes. With 1 ounce of chicken for supper, a cup of green salad and a tablespoon of low fat cheese I am beginning to think I will starve for sure even with the three great snacks between meals consisting of 1 boiled egg, 2 tablespoons of hummus and a half cup of cherry tomatoes.

Humans shed close to 600,000 skin cells an hour and by the age of 70 years, we will have shed an average of 150 pounds of skin. Losing 150 pounds in the next 15 years is not my idea of how to succeed without really trying though. I better stick to my boiled eggs, ground flaxseed, and hummus.

The fact that Americans eat about 4 pounds of preservatives, artificial flavor, and color each year doesn"t make me feel any better either because that stuff is in all the great tasting junk food like potato chips, licorice whips, cookies, twinkies, and fast food. Another word for "junk food" is Lubberwart. Just the word junk food sounds like hip padding while the word Lubberwart holds no representation of mouth watering fat inducing calories at all so... I'll take some of that!

I wonder if the Fortune Cookie is considered Lubberwart. They are the only cookie that isn't possessed by calories, one cookie contains 30.24 calories and were invented in The United States.

Did you know that a healthy human releases about 17 ounces of internal gas a day? I will be considered unhealthy while on this diet. Think about it! Boiled eggs and hummus!