An advertisement and coupon for a national chain specializing in sizes 14 and up came in the mail the other day. I got excited and the realized I couldn't use it because I have lost nearly all the weight I had set out to lose. Instead of feeling happy, I was sad. How do you deal with the emotional fat image that's left behind when you're nearing your set goal weight? By using common sense and sticking to the facts, not your feelings.
Normally when the snail mail comes, I don't think too much about it and automatically toss the junk in the trash. Since I'm about to move out of state, I decided to look at it just once, so I opened the flap of this one publication called Coupon Clipper to check it out. I was thinking I might get a lead on a new Middle Eastern style restaurant here in the area, but I didn't see anything. What did catch my attention was for an advertisement for The Avenue, a clothing store that specializes in sizes 14 and up, with a 30% off coupon.
“Oh good, 30% off and I bet there's got to be a decent marked down rack of clothing in their mall store! I'll have to call up my friend and...” That's when it hit me - I wasn't a size 14 anymore. I'm in a very loose size 8, but haven't managed to find a good looking size 6 on me. Some of it has to do with the cut of the clothing, and others with the style. I have a hard time wearing long cut capris because I'm a child of the 1970's, and today's cut would've got you laughed at back then as “high waters”. “HEY MAN, YOU EXPECTING A FLOOD?” was the common ragging you got back then for wearing your pant hems above your ankles. I also still have nightmares when it comes to “flair cuts”, which are only glorified, recycled bell bottoms that used to get caught in my bike chain, and send me crashing to the ground.
In some ways, I should've been ecstatic - I should've been tearing that page into a million tiny pieces, setting it on fire while laughing and dancing around the makeshift bonfire. It should've been incredibly freeing to realize I didn't fit into those clothes any longer, but that wasn't the way I felt. I felt a bit sad and depressed because I couldn't use that coupon, and I couldn't shop there. I'm not a shopaholic at all; I have very little in my closet I can wear, and I no longer define who I am and what I'm worth by what I do and don't have. I couldn't care less!
My mind has been working on this question for day or two, when the answer came to me quite by accident. After I came in from my five mile jog, I started to strip off my t-shirt and shorts because they were wet, and if I continue to wear them, it feels like my body can't breathe - like being in saran wrap. I tossed them into the washing machine, and wandered into the bathroom to wash my hands. As I stood there in my sports bra and boy shorts, the mirror answered the question my mind couldn't. Looking at my belly, I still saw the same thing as when I started this lifestyle change back in November of 2006: Homer Simpson's gut.
I know logically I have lost at least 40 pounds (my scale was packed and moved ahead of me, so I haven't had a way to monitor) as well as having gone from my very worst of size 22/24, but at the time the diet started, a tight size 18, down to a size 6/8. I gave away all my fat clothes to force myself to lose the weight; I took away the safety net so I couldn't go backwards. I exercise on a daily basis and have come to accept the weight won't stay off any other way; this is a permanent change. I was jogging past a McDonald's on my route, and I had to tell myself, “Don't go in!! Even running past you're gonna smell like week old French fry grease!” I've continued taking the vitamin supplements to get that little something extra out of my efforts.
For all these changes and results, I still see the fat woman in the mirror even though I don't have to cut the size tags out of my clothing because of sheer embarrassment. Not that long ago, I read an article about how we keep ourselves fat because of memories, hence, self-sabotaging our efforts to slim down. I thought it was complete rubbish until I got excited over the coupon for larger sized clothing. My friends can see the big difference, but I guess I still can't. Perhaps this trait will change with time and as I continue to lose weight.
Yes, I am still overweight and need to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds - based on the last scale number I saw in May. When you reshape your body with resistance/strength/weight training, you can fit the proverbial ten pounds in a five pound sack, but you're still carrying five more pounds than you should be. The Muscle will still weigh more than fat even though the muscle naturally looks more attractive. I'm beginning to wonder where the fine line is between being healthy and muscular, versus too skinny and too weak to lift a toothpick. Too often you see super skinny women who have gone after size zero and in the process…look like a total zero.
