Weight - not an easy topic. It seems lately even the commercials can't get away from the subject one way or another. Either they are trying to sell us diet pills and exercise plans or they are trying to sell us on the latest oversize serving at a restaurant. TV hosts are slammed for putting on a pound and ridiculed for standing up and saying that they are at a currently healthy weight and have no problem with it.
Either we are too thin or fashionably sleek when the bones show through the skin. Little girls who aught to be worried about a spelling test are stressing over being over-weight compared to super-model airbrushed and camera corrected perfection in the magazines.
Why should I care? I have always been "the fat kid", so why is now any different? Because I have always been "the fat kid" and I have lived my entire life in the middle of this controversy, like it or not, since I was old enough to think about it. I was a heavy child of heavy parents, with a heavy little sister. My weight was up and down like a yo-yo for years. Doctors prescribed diets, pills, calorie counts, exercise regimens. One drug I was on at 12 years old put me through two solid weeks of withdrawal symptoms when I took myself off them.
I had a double "whammy" when it came to weight and food issues. My parents both were Depression kids and food for them was scarce, so they "made up for it" with us, number one. Number two, I developed a food disorder early on, "stress/depressive response binging". My mother was physically and emotionally abusive. Chocolate endorphin rushes helped put a temporary patch on the pain.
After a disaster of a first marriage, divorce and a second failed marriage I ballooned up over 450 pounds. At 5 feet 5 inches that is not only morbidly obese its damn near a disability claim about to happen. After my second divorce and meeting the man that I am now married to, I started taking more control of my life. I had to, I was dying wrapped in an impossible layer of fat. I had layered it on like taking on armor. The thicker the layer got the farther other people stayed and if they stayed away, they could not hurt me.
I started by simply changing my eating choices. Less meat, more vegetables. Sweets in moderation, a single candy bar instead of a whole box of chocolates. Part of making this work was not "denying" myself something that I wanted. Denying, forcing myself to give up something was a trigger, it set off the chain reaction that led to the binge. That was one part of my strategy that had most people perplexed. “How can you loose weight if you eat sweets?” My response was, how can you loose weight if you can not short circuit the desire to binge because you have denied a small craving until its out of control?
I stopped doing "standard" exercises. They weren't for me. I needed FUN. I took up Belly Dancing! Glitter, spangles, an excuse for sequins and more exercise than I ever got in a gym. I'd loose myself in the music and moves and not realize that I'd just sweated for an hour in class until it was over. I worked with a regular dance instructor. The class performed in recital at local Middle East restaurants, we learned choreography, we did solo's. I even learned to dance with not one but two swords balanced on my body.
I'm not done with my journey. I did not get to over 450 pounds over night and since gastric surgery is not what I prefer to do, I will not loose all the extra weight over night. I've been dancing for nine years now this past January 2007. On March 15, 2007 at a routine follow up with my doctor I tipped the scales at 284. I did this by dancing and a conscious decision to take more care in the choices I make when eating. It has not been fast, or always fun. My husband, bless him, is the best cheerleader anyone could want, even when the scales have gone the wrong way a time or two.
If you have trouble getting a grip on your weight or your eating habits, talk to your doctor. If you have an eating disorder or think you do, get information. There is no shame in needing help. If you think you are too fat when other are worried about you being too thin, please talk to someone about it. Denying yourself food is not the way to gain control of your life, its no better for you than binging is.
If you hate going to the gym, take a walk, put on the radio and dance. Remember any movement is better than none at all. Next time you are sad, if you find yourself reaching for chocolate, stop, consider, put back part of it. If you are hungry, eat something small. Don't worry. If you find that you are hungry again in a couple hours that's okay, eat another small something. Taking small portions like this helps shrink the stomach and begins to retrain the mind and body that it is not necessary to "stuff" each time you eat, that there will be more later when its needed.
These are some of the thinks I've learned on my journey so far. You may learn a different way, or need other help, but the point is you don't have to be what you are not happy being. If you are willing to make changes to help yourself, even if that sometimes means medical intervention when there is a need, then you have won a large part of the battle. When you are ready, then its time.
