The idea of being pregnant was something that always frightened me. I would sometimes dream of finding myself suddenly large with child, wondering how I could undo it without having to endure the unimaginable pain of childbirth. But all I had to do was wake up to solve the problem.
When I actually became pregnant, I was so excited that I managed to quell the fears by telling myself over and over that millions of women had done it before me. It helped that pregnancy treated me well. I had a few queasy moments in the first trimester, but the morning sickness that I dreaded never materialized. Other than my sometimes irrational emotional outbursts, to which my fiancé Patrick and the doctors were sympathetic, and my swollen, misshapen feet, to which my shoes were not, I breezed through and reveled in the attentions and kindnesses generally bestowed upon pregnant women.
In the ensuing months, Patrick and I spent time thinking about baby names and shopping for the overwhelming myriad of baby items that seem indispensable now, but many of which didn't exist when we were babies. We marveled at the increasing size of my belly and the lively being within.
During this period, one friend took the time to send me an e-mail outlining all the gory details of childbirth that most people don't talk about and urging me to get an epidural. Despite my fears, I imagined that I would be able to bear the pain and avoid all the invasive medical hookups that Patrick and I learned about in the birthing class at our hospital. At my last few prenatal visits, I informed my doctors of my apprehension about labor, as well as my reluctance to have an epidural or an episiotomy. I was, at least philosophically, inclined toward as natural a birth experience as possible.
As my due date drew near, I began to panic about having every possible labor aid that I read about in my stack of pregnancy books. I carefully selected my most beautiful, soothing, and spiritual music CDs for relaxation, while Patrick purchased batteries for the mini stereo system we were bringing. By the time we were prepared to go to the hospital, it looked as if we planned to move in.
Finally, one morning I woke at about 3:00, feeling something akin to strong menstrual cramps. I was about to wake Patrick, but they subsided and I fell back to sleep. When I got up in the morning, I felt fine, and we made a last-minute dash to the store to buy lollipops in case my labor outlasted my stamina. I ate a larger lunch than I should have, because within an hour, I started having contractions. At first they were tolerable and Patrick faithfully timed the intervals. But suddenly a wave of intense nausea overcame me, and a strong downward pressure in my bowels told me that something was really happening. When I called my doctor and described what I felt, she said to get to the hospital right away.
Thankfully, our hospital was only a 5-minute drive from home. I was in a lot of distress and afraid of throwing up or having my water break all over the car. Happily, the towel under my seat and the plastic bag on my lap went unused. Sadly, by the time we were placed in one of the pre labor rooms, I realized that I wasn't going to make it on my own. I started shaking uncontrollably -- the worst convulsive shiver imaginable -- and the contractions were coming faster than I could handle with the breathing we'd practiced. The pain was like an ever-tightening vise wrapped around my entire lower torso.
After what seemed like an eternity, we were moved to a labor and delivery room. Of course, I was now entangled an IV, a heart monitor for the baby, a contraction monitor and who knows what else. Things were going by way too fast I was so scared. There wasn't even enough time to administer any pain medication.
Just an hour and a half after we'd arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me it was time to start pushing. I won't sugar coat it, I was in pain. I had never thought this day was actually going to come. Now that it was here and the time had come to push, I was more terrified that ever. The doctor instructed me to push. After about only 15 minutes, there she was, the love of my life. I had done it, I had just overcome my biggest fear and done it completely naturally. With Patrick cheering me on, I'd gone to the other side of that fear. I was now one of those millions of women, and Patrick was as proud as could be. Our daughter, Aubrey, was born.
