It was 18th of June 2007 when I went to the pharmacy for my pregnancy test as for whatever reason is I don't want to do the test for myself. I was so full of joy that my eyes were into tears when the pharmacist told me that I am positive. At last for years of waiting I finally got pregnant. My husband obviously can't wait to come from work home when I called him about the good news and he phoned right away his family about my pregnancy. I was so pleased when his family voluntarily told us that they will be the one to buy those big baby stuff like car seat, pram, cot and my parents can't wait to see their grandkid. Each day my husband comes home early from work he always pop-in to the baby shop and buy clothes for the baby, maybe he's thinking that our baby is a boy because he bought colour blue and green clothes.
I seen my doctor and follow all his prescription and advice. I started reading pregnancy books and asked some tips from my mum and my best friend who just gave birth last December 2006 as this is my first pregnancy. For my excitement I started doing my cross-stitch for small frames for my baby's room and even my husband already have a name for our baby.
On my first appointment for scan, my husband decided to take a day off from work so that he can go with me. He wanted to see our baby for the first time. And I kept on reminding him about what my best friend told me that I can get a copy of my baby's image on DVD. When Josephine the one who scanned me from Ante-natal department told us that she can't find a baby or even a heart beat turn my excitement into sadness. All of a sudden while she kept on explaining about my situation, I can't help myself stop crying. It didn't even absorb to me what she's talking about until my husband calm me down. She told me that she don't want me give any hopes but she would be happy to scan me again after a week. I keep on thinking about my case but my husband is full of hopes and for being positive he's talking to our baby and named him/her Witty as he/she likes to hide from us.
My second scan still Witty didn't showed up that really made me so depressed. Josephine was so understanding and very helpful to us. On my scan shows that there were no changes at all my baby sack is getting bigger but still empty. She told me that I had miscarriage and sooner or later I will bleed that makes me disagree. So she decided to make another appointment for me in Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit after two weeks.
I was so down at that time, I couldn't concentrate on my work. I don't want to talk to anybody even to my family, my husband's family and my close friends. I don't want to talk about what was happening to me. In spite of my behavior, my husband always understands me. He is more patience and support what I feel. We constantly talking to Witty let him/her know that he/she don't need to worry of coming out as we will take good care of him/her. We let him/her know that we were so excited and can't wait for his/her coming. I was still hoping that Witty just like to play hide and seek or he/she grow slowly.
My third scan done by Nurse Afeeza still no changes, my empty baby sack is still getting bigger. Afeeza did another pregnancy test and still positive, she also tested me for ectopic baby but it was negative. She told me make an appointment for a mini-surgery to clean my ovary so that I get fertile again. But I decided for another scan still hoping Witty will show up. I keep on asking myself why me. Aside for not smoking and drinking, I look after myself; eat healthy, take my medicines even if I don't like taking tablets just for my baby. Why me? I know that I will be a good and responsible parent.
On my fourth scan, while waiting for my appointment, I met an English woman waiting for her scan as well. She showed me her 5 weeks baby scan photo. A scan photo with a baby and heartbeat while me I am holding a 14 weeks baby sack scan photo without baby and heart beat. There I realized that Witty gave me a sign that he/she maybe is not the time yet for him/her. When I am having my scan, there I accepted by now that Witty will not show up. So, I decided to have an appointment not for scan but for let me bleed and clean my ovary. The Nurse, assured me that before my appointment, I will bleed and if things come worst, I need to go to the Accident and Emergency.
After two days of my fourth scan, I was bleeding. It hurts not because I bleed a lot but because I lost Witty and I was grieving losing him/her. And I don't need to ask things why it's happening to me. I should be grateful and start counting all the blessings God giving to me. Good people around me and good health not only for me but also to my husband and family.
When I was bleeding, I stopped working on my part-time secretarial jobs in two offices. The next day I received an email from the other company confirming my full-time job as a Property Management Secretary.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
