Depression affects every part of your life, and for a person with a normal relationship with the world around them, depression can be a very hard thing to cope with. This is how it feels to have postpartum depression. After I had my first child I felt fine emotionally, I was very tired, of course but I was in control of my emotions.
That all changed around the time that my daughter turned three months old. I felt like nothing that I did was right, that I was a horrible mother, and that my family would be better off without me. This was a very hard thing to live with. On one hand I know that I love my family I have a great life, but on the other hand I feel like there is no point of me even being here. I struggle to this day with feelings that I am inadequate. But the worst feeling of all is the feeling that if I share how much I hurt every day with the man that I love, that one day he will grow tired of hearing about my problems and leave.
The feeling that you are completely alone in this, and that there is no one that will understand or help, is what leads women to do crazy things, like kill themselves or even worse their own children. Postpartum depression is an illness that affects your whole life. It grabs hold of your life and does not let go until it has taken away everything from you.
I feel that right now I may be at my lowest point in my depression. I do not want to leave the house, and the only thing that brings me joy is my daughter. One thing that I can say that has not yet happened to me, that happens to so many mothers suffering with postpartum depression, is that I have never wanted to hurt my child. I struggle every day with the way that I feel about myself, but I also know that there is hope for myself, and that in the not so distant future, I will be happy once more.
