As a result of many women putting off motherhood until age 30 and beyond, medical professionals have continued to document skyrocketing rates of infertility. The chances are good that you know of someone facing this difficult battle. What you probably don't know is that this person is regularly riding an emotional roller coaster, which can become an overwhelming burden to bear. To avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings, you should maintain high doses of tact and sensitivity - and learn what to say and what not to say.
Don't Say It
Comments that are certain to send your friend or loved one into a rage or curled up in a fetal position include:
“Relax”
This is not the time to preach to them. Between, running for tests, doctor appointments, and dealing with disappointment after disappointment, this word of advice is not at all comforting.
“You'll get pregnant eventually”
This is not a fair statement to make. The truth is, a significant percentage of patients will never conceive. The majority of those pursuing hi-tech procedures are unsuccessful. It's better to say nothing than to go that route. It doesn't help the person feel any better. If anything, it could be giving them false hope.
“At least you'll have fun trying”
Fun! Hah! If timed sex is your idea of fun, then...
It doesn't matter what kind of mood you are in, if the schedule says you are on, you must comply - or risk a possible missed opportunity. Temperature charts, ovulation kits, home injections, and other clinical instructions make an otherwise romantic encounter more like a doctor's visit.
“You can always adopt”
Adoption is not for everyone. Never assume a couple facing infertility will adopt a child if unsuccessful. This is a private issue between husband and wife. Whether or not they decide to adopt is their business.
“Are you pregnant yet?”
For infertility patients, having to answer to people only serves as a constant reminder of their failure to conceive. People, who know that the couple is trying, should wait until they hear an announcement. Otherwise, simply inquire how they are doing and leave it up to the couple to decide how much to divulge.
Do Say It
“That must be hard”
The only comments that are truly helpful are ones that are genuinely compassionate. By acknowledging that their experience is difficult and frustrating, you let them know you care.
“I'm here if you need to talk”
A sympathetic shoulder is almost always appreciated and, often, all that is needed to help someone get through the day. If it's from the heart, it's bound to help.
Myths and Other Insensitivities
Try not to interrogate someone you are wondering about. Older women, especially, get really tired of hearing, “When are you going to have a baby?” They know that their biological clock is ticking away, and they don't need anyone reminding them. Besides, it's none of your darn business!
One older mother recounted her anguish, when she had been in a social situation where alcohol was being served. After finally conceiving, she had planned on waiting to share her good news, once she was three months along in her pregnancy. However, everyone around her kept asking, “Why aren't you drinking? Can I get you a drink?”
“I wanted to scream,” she explained. “I wanted to say, "I can get my own drink, thank you."”
Years ago, when I was facing the emotional battle of infertility, I felt that others just didn't get it. I had joined a support group and got to hear stories from other women. After one member finally conceived, her very fertile sister informed her that “she ruined all of her pregnancies” because she wasn't able to enjoy them. How inconsiderate! Even if it were true, she never should have said that to her sister. What's the point? It could only make her sister feel bad.
For me, the worst comment came from a friend of a friend. My friend had recently miscarried in her eight month and labor was induced to deliver a stillborn baby. It was horrible, and I was there for her. In my presence, her friend commented that what she had gone though “was worse than what I was going through.” How can you measure grief? Grief is grief, whether it's for the loss of a child or the loss of a dream. The same feelings of loss are involved.
My friend had certainly endured a terrible tragedy, but to compare one to the other is “apples and oranges.” At the time, I felt that her friend was belittling my situation. I even understood what she was trying to say, but I thought that it was an insensitive remark. She should have kept her mouth shut.
There is a misconception that if the infertility patient is fortunate enough to get pregnant, she will be ecstatic for nine months. The truth is, it's more like terrified. Everyday you are fully aware that you are carrying an extra special gift. You realize that if anything were to happen, you would be thrown back to the beginning - not knowing if you will ever conceive again - along with an unfathomable loss.
Looking back, I'm so glad that those days are long gone. I was lucky enough to experience a healthy pregnancy and have a wonderful son. I kept in touch with the members of my group and felt that I wanted to help others. For a while, I offered my support to individuals requesting contact through phone calls and letters. As time went on, infertility was no longer the main focus of my life. However, I will always remember those feelings that went along with the experience. Now, if only I could sail through menopause…
